Episode 3

Gary Spotter and The Grapes of Wrath

Sweaty, full name Gary Spotter, a fat sweaty ball of pus, finds mysterious magical powers after having an accident in his bed during a storm. After initial experimentation with his shape-changing abilities and his neighbour, Mrs Hodgbottom, he finds that he is not alone in his magic...

We join the story seven years after Sweaty became Super-Pus. He is now installed at the school for magical pus-shape-changers L'Academie Des Plus Pus Change. Mrs Hodgbottom is a faded memory, but there is a new love in Sweaty's life...

The bell rang. It was not a large bell, nor particularly audible to the human ear, but its ring had the desired effect. Each of the fat sweaty balls of pus in the academy, with ears that they had trained specially for hearing the bell that marked the end of their day's lessons, immediately sat up in their seats and waited for the lecturer to finish. Maybe it was because he was much older than they and less kean of hearing, or perhaps he did it to annoy them; either way, it seemed to take Professor McBlob an age to respond to the bell. The students joked that McBlob's immense mass - a whopping sweaty 37 stone - caused some distortion of time in his wake, appearing to slow his responses to those outside of his gravitational field.

Having been dismissed from the boring minutiae of wind-resistance when shape changing to bird forms, Sweaty, who still preferred to be called so, rather than his given name Gary, despite the fact that all his colleagues were just as sweaty as he, hurried down the steps at the front of the Academy's sweaty building. He had two main reasons for hurrying. The stench of the academy was almost intolerable. All the sweaty bodies, oozing a variety of juices for most of the working day, caused something of a nasal cacophony and even with his shape-changing abilities, Sweaty was unable to reform his nose to reduce or remove his sense of smell. The main reason for Sweaty's rapid departure, though, was that he was late for a meeting with a girl.

Rushing down Steaming Lane, Sweaty started to change shape. Despite having the ability to adopt any shape, Sweaty retained his normal round and unattractive form when in the academy. All the pus-ridden shape-changers did so, because it was easier to concentrate on lectures while in one's natural form, and because the adoption of a different shape could lead to bizarre competition. One would grow a particularly long arm, another would try to beat that with seven legs of different and interesting sizes, another would make his head appear in a strange place, and soon this one-upmanship would escalate to pointless extremes. The academy's head, Dr FitzOozin, had made it against academy rules to be seen in an adopted shape, while within academy grounds, after one student had to be treated by the school nurse because he had transformed himself into a lawn and had been mown accidentally by the janitor.

As Sweaty changed into the shape of the six foot dark Italian, as which he had posed when he first met Laura, he felt the usual pangs of guilt about lying to the world about his real form. Keeping up any lie is difficult enough. Having to pay attention to the exact dimensions of your body in order to maintain one, is even more stressful. Having adopted the particular olive-skinned, slender body, it quickly became covered in perspiration. The stress was getting to him. If only Laura could accept him as he was, none of this rigmarole would be necessary.

As he reached the local branch of Starbucks, he caught sight of Laura. She was sitting on a stool inside the coffee shop, sipping a double-chocolate frothy coffee with hazelnut syrup. This was her usual tincture at any coffee shop they visited and Sweaty often wondered how she managed to keep so slim. Laura had rich red hair and pale white skin, which seemed to radiate more soft white light than was available in the atmosphere around her. With her virtually perfect figure perpetually kept in perfect posture, Sweaty always felt weak at the knees when he saw her. With heart racing, Sweaty attempted to look nonchalant as he entered the coffee shop and sat beside her.

Their tryst was going well. Laura had just excused herself and disappeared into the ladies' lavatory. Sweaty was very excited. He had to concentrate very hard to keep his form. They had been getting on so well, and the signals from Laura had been so positive that he was sure there was going to be more to their relationship than the vaguely romantic friendship they had enjoyed so far. He decided to ask Laura to spend a weekend with him in Paris. He knew that they would enjoy the city of romance and hope she would agree to their sharing more than just a hotel room. He prepared to pop this question to her when she emerged from the lavatory. He turned around when he heard the door of the ladies' room bang shut. Expecting to see the gorgeous Laura, Sweaty was amazed to see a short grumpy-looking woman emerge. He was especially amazed when he remembered that the Starbucks lavatories only have room for one patron.

The short, stout woman marched up to Sweaty, her long, dirty brown hair in disarray.

"I saw you," she stated.

"Saw me do what?" asked Sweaty. "Who are you, anyway?"

"I saw you enter that academy," said the woman. "If I would have realised, I would never have hooked up with you."

"Surely, you can't be Laura?"

"I am, and I'm like you. I go to the other academy, but I'm like you in every way, and it won't do," she replied.

The other academy, Institute Des Mal Changes, was the sworn rival of Sweaty's alma mater. In addition, the girls who went there were notorious for their extra abilities to change other people's shapes, permanently. Sweaty was really in a state now. If the love of his life had both come from The Institute and knew that he was from The Academy, he was in deep trouble.

"Did you think you could hide it forever?" Laura demanded. "Eh, Gary?"

"They call me Sweaty at The Academy", Sweaty replied petulantly, " and I was going to tell you. I was going to take you away next weekend and be totally honest."

"Honesty? Don't make me laugh! You would have lied until you were found out."

"But..."

"Oh, don't whine! In fact, that's pretty much all you've done since we met. Well, I'm glad I found out the truth before it was too late. I shall leave you with a parting gift - something to help you with your whining!"

So saying, Laura flounced from the coffee shop, never to be seen again by Sweaty. Sweaty left soon after, mainly to avoid the stares from the other patrons, and partly to get back home in order to locate the source of a pain he was starting to feel in his back.

Having returned home, Sweaty soon found the cause of his physical pain. In the middle of his Italian body's back, there was a perfect bunch of grapes. Clearly this was the help with whining that Laura had meant. If he would have known about her poor puns, Sweaty might never have spent so much time with the girl, or witch as he later came to call her. Since he had become involved and since she had taken her revenge in such a cruel fashion, Sweaty had now to concern himself with the new appendage to his body. Even if he changed shape, the grapes remained - they were painful and embarrassing. There was only one way he could avoid people finding out about his involvement with an Institute girl. He had to hide his scars.

The following day, Sweaty set off for his lectures at the Academy. He had manipulated his shape so that Laura's grapes were hidden between his buttocks. Although this position was excruciatingly painful, it avoided any nasty questions - nobody would even think of looking in Sweaty's most sweaty of places. Apparently, he could expect his super-pus immune system to reject the grapes after two weeks. Until that time came, he was stuck with living with the Grapes of Wrath.

Will Sweaty ever find a girlfriend who can accept him? Will it take another seven years before we find out? I don't know, but time will tell...

09 February 2001
Ashley Frieze