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I've already mentioned that I felt it was important to trust Caroline completely. I don't believe a relationship should contain mistrust. If you don't trust someone, then you shouldn't have a relationship with them. Simple as that. However, I was in a strange position over the weeks following our Dublin trip. In addition to the, with hindsight, obvious barriers to closeness within our relationship, Caroline seemed to be getting more distant, depressed and uncertain of our relationship. And there was nothing I could do about it. She was always the more powerful force in the relationship, anyway, so I was always on the back foot with her. Or maybe I was walking on eggshells - I'm not sure. Either way, I was in a reactive mode and I couldn't see what I could do with her.
I thought it was healthy that she chose to do things socially that didn't include me. Nothing major, just the occasional pub quiz or whatever. I think it's wrong to be chained to each other in a relationship and it was quite late in the day that we discovered this. I could always entertain myself within the house and so I did.
But I was having problems. Typing up this story, I couldn't seem to get very far. I worked on it for a week and then started to get to the chain of events which introduced us to George. The word-to-the-wise from Paul about what he was doing "he's cracking onto your lass" (sort of thing) was haunting me, and my relationship with the lass in question was also not giving me comfort or confidence. I didn't know what to think. So I thought nothing.
Caroline's behaviour was getting more secretive too. She had put a password on her computer - something I noticed when I had to go onto it for some administrative reason. I thought nothing of it and bypassed it merrily. I didn't have any intention of snooping around in her personal files and left well alone. I had also noticed that she had turned her mobile phone to silent and left it face down a lot. She may even have put a PIN on it. Again, I didn't see the need to push her on these things. What use would it have served? I saw these things at the time but I did not put two and two together, or even react to them. I could see, but I wasn't looking for anything in what I saw.
Caroline was getting harder to deal with and she started talking of taking a break from the rat race to get her head straight. I offered to go with, but she said she was going alone - painting a picture of a secluded spot with her and a book. I thought that sounded lonely, but I couldn't interfere with her, she was getting more distant and I wanted her back. If a weekend of solitude was all that she needed, then I had to give her space. She ultimately told me she that she'd decided to take a weekend break with an old school friend - I thought that that sounded a good idea.
I also had a flash of inspiration - "She's secretly going to meet George whom we made in Ireland" - but I laughed that off. Look at the evidence. She met him once. We threw away his number. She wasn't interested in him. She said so. What a ludicrous moment of paranoia. I was really disgusted with myself for thinking such a thing. She was going to see a friend of hers and she was going to get her head straight - perhaps come back in a better mood - perhaps we could talk it over and work out where to go. Our relationship had been rocky since Christmas, if we were honest, so we were due to do something about it.
I pushed her for details of exactly where she was going. I wasn't trying to pry. I had a couple of motives. One was that I wanted to have some means of contacting her if, for some reason, she didn't return. I also had some notion that I might arrange for there to be a bunch of flowers delivered for her while she was there. I thought she'd appreciate that she had my support in some way, while she was away. A nice surprise. But she wouldn't give the details and I had to back off because she was getting touchy about it. I didn't want to invade her privacy and make her feel like she wasn't trusted.
So, on Friday 17th May 2002, Caroline went on her trip and I had a weekend to myself.
>> 26. The First Weekend of Joy
20 May 2004
Ashley Frieze