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The plan for the day was fairly simple. Catch a couple of shows and then go out for some drinks with my genial hosts. As was the norm for the festival, I did not get going until later on in the day. Quite what I was doing before I got going is anyone's guess, now I write this episode nearly a week later. However, what I will have done is worked out which shows I wanted to see from my fringe planner and then headed across town, probably via some sort of eatery (or maybe two) in order to procure tickets.
It was not my plan to buy tickets in advance for most shows. I reckoned that I could do without the pressure of having to keep a schedule, planned in advance when I was probably more keen to run around for three weeks than I would be once doing it. I had intended to buy tickets for the more popular shows in advance, and there were certain unmissable ones, however. Generally, this plan worked quite well, though I'd missed out on buying a ticket to see Dave Gorman. I also failed to realise that the very wonderful Nina Conti, who was doing a show with Micky Flanagan, would also be sold out for the whole of the festival.
"Never mind", thought I as I dropped into the Pleasance Box office, intending to buy a ticket for John Shuttleworth. Then they told me that he was sold out too. Apparently he's very popular. I assumed he'd be popular-ish, but not a massive sell out of a pretty large venue. I was wrong. I was told of a chap who was trying to get shut of a spare ticket. I was told to look for a pretty bald man in the courtyard, who would be recognised from both his head and his attempts to sell a ticket for... you get the rest.
Outside, I went along to the "sold out" board to see what else was sold out and to find out if I'd missed John Shuttleworth's name on there when I first looked at it (and saw Ms Conti on there). There was a man crouching at the board and trying to write something on it with a spit-dampened finger. I put two and two together and got 22 (I concatenated them) and asked him if he was a man with a ticket. When he said he was, I agreed to pay him the £8 ticket price for the John Shuttleworth ticket in his hand. This seemed a pretty simple transaction, with one small drawback. I'd not had time to go to the cashpoint, I was not sure if I had more than a £5 note on me. As I fished around for some cash, I offered him the £5 as a deposit on the ticket while I zoomed to the cashpoint to get the rest. As he considered that, I found a few more coins and started to cobble together the rest. As I was doing so, he made me an offer which amused me for all its stupidity. He said "If you've not got enough for a drink after the show, I'll buy you one." This is stupid for the simple reason that drinks (well, pints) cost £3 at the bar. He was offering to spend the £3 I was fishing for on a drink for me... Could he not have said - "I'll take £5" instead? Then I could have had my £3 to spend on what I wanted - maybe a donation to the homeless?
As it was, I completed the transaction, went to see the show, sat anonymously and did not accept a drink from the man who sold me my ticket. Probably for the best.
I used the Pleasance box office to buy a ticket for Boothby Graffoe, playing later on at the Assembly Rooms. I had seen Boothby at The Spinning Wheel on the first Saturday of my stay and thought him to be very funny. I'd also heard of him and knew he'd been around for years. To be both experienced and good is a fantastic accolade. Add to that a recommendation from Gavin Webster, who mentioned how good Boothby is during his own show... well, I thought it was worth a try. I was right.
I zoomed across town from the Shuttleworth show and found myself enough time to grab a Starbucks sandwich and coffee before heading in to see Mr Graffoe. His show was good enough for me to buy his CD afterwards and shake his hand in thanks for a good show. I asked him to sign the CD, he cracked the old faithful joke about the rare unsigned copies - I reprimanded him and then asked for his signature alone... I've tired of putting words into the pens of people who sign things for me. I peaked at Tony Hawks's signing and I've not looked back.
After the show I had time to go back to the flat, drop off the CD, change shirt and then follow my hosts out into the Edinburgh night for some drinks. The evening in the pub passed by pleasantly enough and then it was time to go back through the Edinburgh night, though not late night, because it was, for the majority of drinkers, a "school night". Given the earliness, in fringe terms, of the occasion, I then returned to town where I made a startling discovery.
My guilt-trip on Lisa, which I'd applied when I had seen her one evening, had paid off. I'd pointed out to the lady, who was responsible for booking the acts at The Establishment, that she'd dropped me from a bill because it was too full, despite the fact that I was on it long before it became full. Indeed, there had been much confusion about the whole thing and I was peeved. I asked her to review the situation and try to get me another gig - even a short spot. As I arrived at C Venue to watch the show, slightly influenced by alcohol - something I try not to mix with performing - she told me I could do a five for her. I could have gone and sobered myself up. Instead, I bought another beer and went along to watch the show. I reckoned that I could probably do five minutes without much bother and without worrying too much about what I was going to do. I was right. I didn't receive rapturous applause, since I was doing my spot pretty much at the bitter end of the evening with virtually noone in the room. However, people laughed in the right places and I felt that I did a reasonable job. No sooner had my five minutes started than it was over... such is the way of the comedian. I enjoyed it.
The evening was compered by Alexis Dubus, whom I'd met at the Birmingham auditions for the Jongleurs Stand and Deliver - he introduced me as "a man I met in a square in Birmingham... though he's not a tramp". The headline, who intelligently went on first, was the incomparable Hils Barker, of whom I'm a fan. She's a nice lady. It took my performances on the fringe count to 10 and my gig count for the year to 30. But who is counting? Well... me... obviously.
So, that was that. Not a bad day's work.
Show: Pillock of the Community
Performed by: John Shuttleworth
When: 17:45
Where: Pleasance One
Cost: £8
Character comedians can be funny more easily, since the characterisation can do a lot of the work. A number of mundane things become funny from the point of view of a well-rounded character, well portrayed. There's no doubt that John Shuttleworth is a master of the art of the mundane. The problem is that he couldn't keep me entertained for more than about 10 minutes in this show. I soon got a bit distracted by the gentle pace of his performance. He can write funny songs and some were funnier than others, he can also talk about the trivia of his character's outlook on life, and that can be funny in moderation. However, in this case, I was unimpressed. Perhaps fate had been giving me a message when I first could not get a ticket for the show.
Looking back, I think the problem was that he lost pace when he tried a second character. Mr Shuttleworth leaves the stage, a so-called security camera, shows him crossing swords with a second character (this live camera was replaced by a video feed for the changeover) and then he decides to put on a short film before the second character comes on. The short film was a so-called biopic of John Shuttleworth's career. This gave our hero the time to change and for his alter ego to be born, of a different outfit, hairstyle and a false moustache. The second character was a builder of some sort - not very funny and the victim of poor false moustache glue. Indeed, the moustache became obviously funnier.
The next problem was when they had to change back - we sat through a film about concrete flooring, which must have seemed like a good idea at the time. This only shows what good ideas at the time can be. When he returned to a much more cool room, John Shuttleworth did more of his brand of the bland and then left the stage. His encore, a rendition of his so-called Eurovision entry "Pigeons in flight" was not altogether that funny and we ended up watching him fiddle with his multimedia projector for a bit after he lost control of his and it prevented him doing the ending he wanted to. There's only so long you can clap over a keyboard's electronic beat.
As a show this was ok. Rather disappointing in the end, though. Perhaps it's too radio 4-style gentle humour, or perhaps I'm right to suggest it needed more ruthless script editor.
Show: Boothby Graffoe
Performed by: Boothby Graffoe
When: 19:30
Where: Assembly Rooms Ballroom
Cost: £10
A truly marvellous show from a truly wonderful performer. Stand-up, story telling, songs, sketches with silly voices and then, just as it was getting good, it got even better. The curtains revealed the comedy kitchen, which was just ridiculous and hilarious. I can't begin to describe what he did, because you had to be there.
Highlights include repeating the entire first 1 minute 30 of the show for a late comer, including the bit where the late comer came in, and chatting with the audience as one audience member took a toilet break - so as not to make the chap miss anything. Fantastic!
Spent £18, saw 2 shows and performed in 1. At the day's end:
Total shows seen: 53
Total shows performed: 10
Total spent: £363
27 August 2003
Ashley Frieze