Looking back over the backlash articles, I can't help but notice the abundance of moans about shopping. In fact, Asda probably deserves its own section, the number of times it gets a mention. There must be a reason for this.

In fact, I am a shopper. A number of men in my position might try to avoid the weekly trip to the supermarket, or might drudge round with little to no interest. My involvement in the shopping is somewhere between that and being the chief shopper of the household. It's better, in the man/woman relationship for the man to relinquish the supervisory role to the lady of the house, but that should not prevent one taking an interest in the contents of the shopping list, the goods on the shelves, the comparative prices, or even the manner the stock is arranged (see other articles).

Unfortunately, the interest, which I take in the shopping, comes at a price. I suffer trolley rage. I suffer blocked passage and I suffer the boredom which sets in 85% through the visit to the local supermarket. It is for this reason that I would like to present my hit-list of things which I would gladly abolish from supermarkets.

• Coffin dodgers (or oxygen thiefs if you like... I mean old people!). These people should only be allowed into supermarkets in much smaller numbers. They block the aisles with their slow progress. They cannot steer shopping tolleys. They spend ages standing in front of the vegetables cooing to each other, oblivious of the fact that they are in my way. Essentially, they are a nuisance. Having said that, they are not found as frequently on my chosen shopping day of Sunday, which is a bonus.
• Children. Now, children do sometime have to come to supermarkets. I accept that. However, we should definitely avoid:
  • Badly behaved children, screaming and moaning.
  • Running through the aisles under one's feet and trolley wheels.
  • Pushing those *****ing miniature trolleys which some tosser thought might be a good idea - like an aisle full of tikes with their flags sticking up and two or three measly items in a basket on wheels is actually useful.
  • Being disciplined loudly and at great length.
  • Eating or otherwise manhandling the produce.
  • Gadding about the place on their bloody mini-scooters. What sort of parent allows their child to bring a scooter into the supermarket?
  • Wandering round with their twenty pound notes and mobile phones waving around.
• Evil smells. Avoid a supermarket if it smells like someone has ignited an old person in one of the aisles.
• Roller skated staff. A bizarre phenomenon of the Tesco megastore near me. What is the point of a staff member on roller skates? They have less control over their movements, can only move at walking pace anyway, and they look like tossers!
• Charity bag packers. Packing your shopping at the till in return for a donation. I could dedicate an entire article to this.
• Stock that is only minutes away from being out of date. I will not buy something which goes off the minute I get it home!

Love it or hate it, the supermarket is one place you cannot avoid visiting. I should try online shopping, but then I'd probably have a whole new set of complaints!

15 April 2001
Ashley Frieze