I originally wrote this as an article for the, now defunct, Morning News. I was persuaded not to submit it. However, my recent experience with a pair of £40 Clark's shoes (reduced from £65), which has left me with a large hole in the back of my left foot (and a limp), has weakened my resolve to withhold this from public sight.

I have a new phobia

It is not listed anywhere I can think of (including Drakon's phobia page, a rather comprehensive list). I have contrived a name for it - Hypodematopoieiophobia - an irrational fear of shoe shops!

As a man, I only have one pair of shoes and when they wear out, I put off going to buy the replacement. This is the first sign of my phobia. Eventually, I manage to summon the courage to go and find a new pair of shoes and this leads me into my worst nightmare. Of course, it need not be a nightmare, the shoe shop could be a perfectly nice place to go but today's high street shoe seller is far from that.

There are three evils in a shoe shop, the price, the atmosphere and the stock. On price, bear in mind that you can get a bespoke pair for £65 (or so the man on Armstrong Bridge says) - a pair of shoes guaranteed to fit for £65. So, I'd expect to pay less for a mass-produced off-the-shelf number. After visiting a dozen shoe shops and with my pulse rate through the roof, the sad truth emerges. There is only one pair of off-the-shelf shoes in Newcastle that fit me and they cost far too much and will last no longer than the cheaper pair I bought last time. In the two months since I bought my last pair, the manufacturers have decided not to make them any more - they were probably too comfortable or something.

For atmosphere, can you imagine a worse place to go than a shoe shop? Invariably, they are stacked high and wide with shoes, so there is no space to move around, no space to try shoes on and the air is humid and thick. In addition to this, we're in the place where people regularly get their feet out, which certainly does nothing for me! Then you have the obligatory banging music, played at the exact volume where distortion starts to occur. Oh yes, and men's shoes are in the same place as children's shoes, which must say something about the shop's attitude to its male customers.

I would feel sorry for the staff, being cooped up all day in such a place but they are part of the problem. Their helpfulness underwhelms me, especially when there is a sale on! Don't bother asking for help, the best they can offer is for you to come back later in the week when they may have got their stock sorted out! And, there's nothing in the stock room, so don't ask for it if you can't see it! This of course assumes that you can find the staff. One shop in town decided to dress their staff in uniform. That seemed reasonable but it was the Newcastle United strip, a costume shared by a fair number of the customers.

So if you see me, breathing rapidly, sweating and frantically looking for the exit, it is because the shoe-shop phobia has struck again. I am not sure that it is truly an irrational fear, though.

I found my pair of shoes. They cost £15 and fit me perfectly in the shop. Of course, the symptom of Hypodematopoieiophobia that I forgot to mention is a shrinking of the foot while in shoe shops. So I'm going to have to find another pair!

Written: 30 August 2000
Posted: 09 January 2001
Ashley Frieze