You arrive at your student flat at the start of term in your second year

What else is there to do? That's right, you write alternative lyrics to popular songs. You include references to "funny" things like anal sex and diarrhea. You even compose an accompaniment using a computer sequencer.... didn't we all?

"Lipsalve On Your Anus" - to the tune of "Lipstick On Your Collar"

When you left me all alone,
At the Poly Bop.
Said that you were going out,
Just to pull a tot.

When you came back later,
This is what I saw;
Grease marks on your sha-ter,
And some anal sores.

Lipsalve on your anus,
Told a tale on you.
Lipsalve on your anus,
Said you'd done a poo.

Bet your bottom hollered,
before you were through,
and lipsalve on your anus,
told a tale on you.

"Don't be Cruel (to Ashley's Tool)" - to the tune "Don't be Cruel"

I may have made you sad,
Kicking you in the nads,
Please don't get me back,
Please don't get so mad,

Don't be cruel,
To Ashley's tool.

Sorry we had a fight,
About taking up the shite-
hole, Please let's forget the past,
Leave me alone tonight,

Don't be cruel,
To Ashley's tool.

I'm feelin rather sick,
And I think that I have brick-
ed myself...

The use of line breaks in the middle of words was particularly amusing to me at the time.

"Raining in my Arse" - to tune of "Raining in my Heart"

The sun is out,
The sky is blue,
I really want,
A solid poo.

But it's raining,
Raining in my Arse.

My ring it hurts,
A lot today,
It's getting worse,
I've anal spray,

'Cos it's raining,
Raining in my Arse.

Oh diarrhee, diarrhea.
Sore, sore botty,
Over here !!!.

I have to go,
See my GP,
And stop the flow,
Of diarrhea

'Cos it's raining,
Raining in my arse.

I was told that this became a revision song for a group of people who knew the mate of mine at Oxford that received one of the copies of this lyrical masterpiece.

Posted: 13 November 2000
Written: 07 October 1993
Ashley Frieze