Iceberg

I spend a lot of time on ebay. This is my own problem, but it has been a relatively reliable and inexpensive way of building up my not-insignificant collection of musicals on CD. In general, I don't have trouble with ebay sellers. I've had a few glitches, but it's gone reasonably well. However, a recent transaction went a bit pear-shaped. The musicals society I'm a member of in Durham has chosen Titanic as their next production. This is nothing to do with the Kate Winslet movie and, thankfully, has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH CELINE DION in it. This can only be a good thing. I may well choose to be in the show, on principle if nothing else. If that's the case, then I should know something about the show in advance.

We're talking over a year in advance, but I'm a musicals geek and I like buying musicals. So, I went searching on ebay and found that the CD ain't available from UK ebayers, but it was available from a US seller. I bought the disc for a few dollars, even fewer pounds. The transaction went through smoothly and I awaited the CD.

I received a thin padded envelope which was covered all over in three cent stamps. "That's a rather odd way to put postage on an envelope." I thought to myself as I undid it. It looked like the postage from a deranged, obsessive, but it could have just been from someone who had run out of high-denomination stamps. I didn't mind. It had the relevant customs slip on it and had arrived, so no big deal. On the inside, there was not a CD plastic jewel case. Instead, there was a slip case with the disc in, the inlay booklet and the back panel for the jewel case. It struck me at first that this was a rather efficient way to package the disc for international travel and I happily popped the package on my stairs before rushing out to a rehearsal. I was eager to review the disc on my return and so I examined it more closely.

The disc was snapped almost completely in two. Given the fate of the Titanic with an iceberg, there was a strange aptness in this fate of the humble CD. There was a perfectly straight crack running along the disc's centre. I was nearly heartbroken... I felt a little upset and felt like someone ought to be there to bestow pity upon me... then I took a good look at myself and realised that I'm a grown man and it was a couple of pounds' worth of CD... easily replaced, preferably by the person who sent it insufficiently packaged. I fired off a message to the seller. At that stage, my aim was to get a copy of the recording. I didn't mind it if the seller wanted to send me a duplicate of the original disc on CD-R, given that I had a legal-copy's worth of everything you'd get in the genuine article.

Hi there.

I got the CD today. Unfortunately, the disc is snapped perfectly in two about the centre. Something must have been dropped on it in the postal system. What can we do to solve this? If you have another copy of the disc and want to send me a duplicate of it on CDR, that would be a good solution.

Any other ideas?

Perfectly reasonable and friendly so far. I got this friendly, but not very handy reply:

Now. I'm not one to take no for an answer. Especially since this guy had supplied me with a CD that was in two pieces. I replied:

----- Original Message -----
From: Ashley Frieze
To: rockforever@cox.net
Sent: Sunday, January 23, 2005 12:09 PM
Subject: RE: Response to your question for item #4065302946 - TITANIC: A NEW MUSICAL (ORIGINAL BROADWAY CAST) CD

Hi Rob,

There's clearly a problem here. You sent me the item without the protective jewel case and it was snapped during delivery. I realise that I didn't pay for postal insurance, but you didn't offer me it when I asked for a total from you. I've essentially paid you for a broken disc and I am not satisfied.

What resolution can you offer me?

Cheers

Ashley

I'm still being reasonable, though perhaps a little firmer. I didn't want to end up with no disc and having paid for a broken one. I had been a little firmer with him. He was much firmer with me:

-----Original Message-----
From: Rob [mailto:rockforever@cox.net]
Sent: 23 January 2005 19:20
To: Ashley Frieze
Subject: Re: Response to your question for item #4065302946 - TITANIC: A NEW MUSICAL (ORIGINAL BROADWAY CAST) CD

Obviously you never read my auction instructions. Go back and read them. Everything about shipping without and with the Jewel Cases is explained. Everything about Insurance is explained. And make sure you read the end of my instructions where it states that if you do not purchase Insurance and if an item is lost, broken etc. I will not give a refund. This is to protect myself from people who have tried ripping me off in the past by saying they received a broken CD when it was not broken. They either ended up not liking the CD or they just wanted it for free. So I no longer give refunds if Insurance is not purchased.

Rob...

Oooh. Get him. I'm the wronged party, but he's decided that I might be having a go and he's told me to go off and read his instructions. All I really wanted was a disc, not the complexities of a broken one and an angry ebay seller. I decided to be firm with him and then try to suggest an amicable solution... actually, I suggested we went about things amiably - I thought the word without the C was better. Admittedly the C would have given it a better score in Scrabble:

----- Original Message -----
From: Ashley Frieze
To: 'Rob'
Sent: Sunday, January 23, 2005 1:01 PM
Subject: RE: Response to your question for item #4065302946 - TITANIC: A NEW MUSICAL (ORIGINAL BROADWAY CAST) CD

Hi Rob,

I can only remind you that I sent you a request for a total to include shipping. As far as I'm concerned, you packaged the item inadequately, or it wouldn't have arrived snapped in two. I'll send you a photo of it if you like. The absence of a jewel case was not a problem as much as your inability to prepare it for the shipping. You didn't price up the insurance in your total, so I didn't get the option to purchase it.

Look. All I want is a copy of this disc or the money I gave you back. We're not talking a huge sum here and I'm more disappointed than I am out of pocket. This is why I suggested the opportunity for you send me a CDR copy of the disc to replace the physically broken one. Are you sure there's no way we can resolve this amiably?

Ashley

-----Original Message-----
From: Rob [mailto:rockforever@cox.net]
Sent: 23 January 2005 21:04
To: Ashley Frieze
Subject: Re: Response to your question for item #4065302946 - TITANIC: A NEW MUSICAL (ORIGINAL BROADWAY CAST) CD

First of all I have been selling CDs overseas for several years and I have only had two complaints of broken CDs, yours and another one. And like I stated before, you never read my auction instructions. If you would have read my auction instructions in the first place you would have contacted me informing me that you wanted Insurance. Then I would have quoted you on how much Insurance to England is. That is what my auction instructions say. You must inform me that you want Insurance otherwise I do not add Insurance on the Invoice. I am not a mind reader. And you're right, it's not a huge sum. But as my auctions state, I will not refund any money if Insurance is not purchased.

Rob...

I am not happy with his logic. It sometimes goes wrong and it's his fault. As for the whole insurance thing, it was down to me to suggest that I wanted it. He's right to suggest that I didn't read his online auction blurb... I couldn't be bothered. When I blindly asked for a total, I might have expected him, at that point, to suggestion options. He didn't. I was unaware of the insurance etc etc etc. Lesson 1 - read ebay auction instructions. Lesson 2 - don't worry too much, it's just a couple of quid. Mind you, I did want him to think that he was going to be rewarded with negative feedback (not a nice thing for one's ebay account), given how he was giving me a bunch of attitude about the transaction, even suggesting that I might be lying about the broken disc:

----- Original Message -----
From: Ashley Frieze
To: 'Rob'
Sent: Sunday, January 23, 2005 2:10 PM
Subject: RE: Response to your question for item #4065302946 - TITANIC: A NEW MUSICAL (ORIGINAL BROADWAY CAST) CD

Ah well. I'll just leave you negative feedback, read the inlay and look at the pictures.

I doubt either of us will lose sleep over it.

Ashley

Eh? He's going to leave me negative feedback. This plan's backfired. Surely, I can't be held to blame for paying him for a broken disc? Clever. He's realised that the feedback ploy works both ways:

----- Original Message -----
From: Ashley Frieze
To: 'Rob'
Sent: Sunday, January 23, 2005 2:20 PM
Subject: RE: Response to your question for item #4065302946 - TITANIC: A NEW MUSICAL (ORIGINAL BROADWAY CAST) CD

You can leave me negative feedback for receiving a broken disc, since it's clearly my fault.

Thanks.

Oh... sod it... let's agree to go for neutral, then we can at least walk away from this with our dignity.

I see your point of view. I was also really disappointed when I received the broken disc. I guess that makes us almost even.

-----Original Message-----
From: Rob [mailto:rockforever@cox.net]
Sent: 23 January 2005 21:41
To: Ashley Frieze
Subject: Re: Response to your question for item #4065302946 - TITANIC: A NEW MUSICAL (ORIGINAL BROADWAY CAST) CD

No, I will leave you Negative Feedback because you did not read my auction instructions and you want a refund when you never paid for Insurance. Let me ask you something, I don't know you from Adam, so how am I supposed to know if you're lying or not??? I don't know. That is why I have my auction instructions. If you can't follow my rules then don't bid on my auctions.

Rob...

I really didn't take well to this accusation that I was having a go. I was also peeved that his auction rules seemed a bit megalomaniac and probably against various statutory rights... I am ashamed to admit, though, that not receiving negative feedback seemed important enough for me to defend myself. I'm also ashamed to admit that I did let fly a bit with my opinion:

----- Original Message -----
From: Ashley Frieze
To: 'Rob'
Sent: Sunday, January 23, 2005 2:46 PM
Subject: RE: Response to your question for item #4065302946 - TITANIC: A NEW MUSICAL (ORIGINAL BROADWAY CAST) CD

Rob, I don't want a refund. I wanted to have a working copy of the CD. I would have sent you a picture of it broken to prove that I'm not swindling you. Your instructions are specific. I didn't read them properly, scanning them instead for the shipping costs. I've tried to be reasonable with you and you're treating me like a liar. Not really very nice. You want to give me negative feedback as though I've done something wrong. Forget it. Let's not bother with the feedback. I can write off $6 to experience, and I'm sure you have more important things to do.

Personally, I think you're a bit mental, but that's irrelevant. Good luck.

Ashley

I didn't need to call him mental, but I felt that he had issues. The whole rules thing and the envelope covered in stamps. Weirdo! He didn't like that and came back with a rather insulting mail:

-----Original Message-----
From: Rob [mailto:rockforever@cox.net]
Sent: 23 January 2005 22:21
To: Ashley Frieze
Subject: Re: Response to your question for item #4065302946 - TITANIC: A NEW MUSICAL (ORIGINAL BROADWAY CAST) CD

You're just one of those people who won't take responsibility for their own actions. You did not read my auction instructions, therefore you are at fault. Period. This is business and not some game. I've sold thousands of CDs to thousands of Happy Buyers. But every once in a while I run into someone like you who wants something for nothing. Learn to read. I think you're the Mental Case.

Rob...

I want something for nothing? Ah come on. I'd been fairly pragmatic in my requests for a resolution. I have, however, been branded by this guy as a person who wants to take him for a ride over $6 worth of CD which I want for nothing. Ah gimme a break! I did suggest that we could give up on the argument at this point, having first attempted to clear my name using the best form of defence: attack!

----- Original Message -----
From: Ashley Frieze
To: 'Rob'
Sent: Sunday, January 23, 2005 3:29 PM
Subject: RE: Response to your question for item #4065302946 - TITANIC: A NEW MUSICAL (ORIGINAL BROADWAY CAST) CD

I haven't asked you for anything.

I think you're shirking your responsibilities. Your rules suck and anyone who pays postage by covering an envelope in 3 cent stamps is a bit of a weird in my opinion. However, I'm prepared to walk away from this. You can feel that you have no responsibility, but I am the one who paid in good faith and received a CD that was snapped perfectly in half. How do I know that you didn't receive it snapped in half and sent it to me like that for a laugh? Of course you didn't, but your accusation that I'm trying to extort money or services from you unfairly is just as ludicrous.

Let's walk away from this one.

Ashley

I wasn't prepared to be branded a cheat. I offered the guy a chance to forget about it. He came back with:

-----Original Message-----
From: Rob [mailto:rockforever@cox.net]
Sent: 23 January 2005 22:41
To: Ashley Frieze
Subject: Re: Response to your question for item #4065302946 - TITANIC: A NEW MUSICAL (ORIGINAL BROADWAY CAST) CD

Like I said before, you should have read my rules. If you think they suck then you should have read them and never bid. And as far as the stamps go, their collectible stamps. I use them so people who like them can save them. You must be a very frustrated woman. I think you need help, or a boyfriend.

Rob...

Something clicked. I wasn't just being branded a cheat. I was, in this guy's mind, just a troublesome woman. He'd assumed that "Ashley" is a woman's name. "Ashleigh" is a woman's name. "Ashley" is the male equivalent, often now used for a girl's name, but that's not my fault. Anyway, this man's attitude (along with his abuse of the word "their" rather than "they're") put me into full on attack-mode. I broke the news to him:

www.ashleyfrieze.co.uk

I'm a man. You're a cocksucker.

Not one of the great epigrams of our time. I had a bit of a think about it and decided to give him more background on why I thought he was the aformentioned sucker of cock:

----- Original Message -----
From: Ashley Frieze
To: 'Rob'
Sent: Sunday, January 23, 2005 3:44 PM
Subject: RE: Response to your question for item #4065302946 - TITANIC: A NEW MUSICAL (ORIGINAL BROADWAY CAST) CD

I'll qualify that last bit. I contacted you to ask for some sort of solution - not necessarily a refund - of the problem that I didn't cause. I didn't sent the parcel. You have never once expressed anything except disdain for me... then you've assumed that I'm a woman and added disparaging misogynistic remarks... that's why you're a cocksucker. An apology might have been enough to make me happy.

-----Original Message-----
From: Rob [mailto:rockforever@cox.net]
Sent: 23 January 2005 22:57
To: Ashley Frieze
Subject: Re: Response to your question for item #4065302946 - TITANIC: A NEW MUSICAL (ORIGINAL BROADWAY CAST) CD

Sounds like you're the Cocksucker with a name like Ashley. Regardless, you're a Fucking Idiot!!! Go tell the Queen about it. Fucking Dumb Ass!!!

A more insulting reply from the cocksucker. Now we're seeing the guy's problem. He's a megalomaniac with delusions of superiority and a certain amount of misogyny and racism thrown in for good measure. I had a great reply for him:

----- Original Message -----
From: Ashley Frieze
To: 'Rob'
Sent: Sunday, January 23, 2005 4:01 PM
Subject: RE: Response to your question for item #4065302946 - TITANIC: A NEW MUSICAL (ORIGINAL BROADWAY CAST) CD

I tell ya buddy. It's worth the $6 for this session of name calling. Are you enjoying it?

Say that you're sorry that my CD is broken and I'll be your best buddy. If you can't even show a little sympathy for your customer then you really are a cocksucker. I didn't choose my name, but I quite like it. You'll find that "Ashley" is the male spelling of the name. What's your name - Roberta?

By the way, I'm a stand-up comedian and I'm probably going to tell loads of people about the fun we're having with this email thread. I've admitted that I didn't read your auction instructions. I guess it's my bad luck. You still have a pretty screwed up attitude. And I still think you're a bit mental with the envelope-covered in 3 cent stamps thing. Maybe it's a cultural thing.

Oh, and the Queen says that she thinks you're a cocksucker.

Ashley

The thing is... well, I was enjoying it by this stage. We had a nice old barney going on. I don't know why I mentioned the stand-up comedy thing. I think perhaps I was trying to impress on him how funny I was finding the whole situation. It had degenerated into something of a cat-fight... Still, I had nothing better to do.

-----Original Message-----
From: Rob [mailto:rockforever@cox.net]
Sent: 23 January 2005 23:20
To: Ashley Frieze
Subject: Re: Response to your question for item #4065302946 - TITANIC: A NEW MUSICAL (ORIGINAL BROADWAY CAST) CD

Take a look at the very first e-mail I sent you Dip Shit. What does it say??? Learn to read FOOL!!! And you're a stand up comedian, ha, ha, ha, well you're sure making me laugh. By the way, what does the Queen know? She''s a Fucking Lesbian. And why do they call you dudes Blokes? Because you all give blows jobs. I really think your a Stand-Up Fag. You take it in the ass while you stand up. Now that's funny. Put that in your comedy act. Bloke!!!

This doesn't make a great deal of sense. It does seem to be from a rather deluded mind. Let's add homophobia to the list of this guy's mental problems, shall we? I quite like how he's decided to take offence at the term "bloke". Cool!

----- Original Message -----
From: Ashley Frieze
To: 'Rob'
Sent: Sunday, January 23, 2005 4:30 PM
Subject: RE: Response to your question for item #4065302946 - TITANIC: A NEW MUSICAL (ORIGINAL BROADWAY CAST) CD

I looked at your first message. You're right. You did apologise. Looks like I made a mistake. However, you just called the Queen a lesbian. I'm not going to be able to let that go. That's treason - you can still get the death penalty for that in this country. Mind you, you probably wouldn't know much about international affairs, given that you're probably the sort of person who would re-elect your ignoramus of a bigot George W as president.

The word bloke pretty much means dude. It doesn't mean we give blow jobs. Anyway, it's not me that has an address at cocks.net... surely that's proof that you're the cocksucker. Oh, and you can't use the apostrophe correctly - you meant to say "You're a stand-up fag", not "your a stand-up fag".

As a parting shot, I would like to say that it's been a pleasure doing business with you, but I'm not prepared to lie to you. It's been a bit silly. In many ways I've enjoyed myself, but I think that's just been because we've had a silly flame war. I don't know who you are, or how old you are, with a handle like "metalismylife", I'm picturing a 17year old skater-dude with bad facial hair, but you're probably a middle aged woman with "issues" - isn't that right "Roberta"? Anyway, despite not knowing who you really are, I think we've bonded in a kind of silly game of one-upmanship where the real winner is the internet service providers who we're paying to keep us online as we do it.

Shall we keep doing this for a bit longer - I reckon it's a sort of therapy for us both...

Ashley (no... call me Ash, most of my friends do)

I was enjoying the slanging match. I thought I'd defend the Queen and the word "bloke". There was no real sting left in me. This was just silly. Poor fellow. Must be demented from drinking all that moonshine and having sex with his own sister.

-----Original Message-----
From: Rob [mailto:rockforever@cox.net]
Sent: 24 January 2005 00:03
To: Ashley Frieze
Subject: Re: Response to your question for item #4065302946 - TITANIC: A NEW MUSICAL (ORIGINAL BROADWAY CAST) CD

Look, I don't know what kind of freind you're looking for, but I'll tell you only one time, you can't suck my dick. And as far as the Queen goes, I believe if you were able to get close enough to her and knock off all of her make-up you would find where Jimmy Hoffa has been hiding all these years. And one more thing, down South here you can get the Death Penalty for being a Dumb Ass British Bloke Fag.

I must say that this email came from a vile little man. He probably thinks the same about me. At least my writing is reasonably coherent and well punctuation. I could probably have used the word "whom" instead of "who" in the penultimate paragraph of my previous email, but we all make mistakes. I sent another letter to the guy to see if I could find out more:

Hi Rob,

I've got to have more of a picture of who you are. Which city do you live in? How old are you? Are you a spotty teenager in your bedroom? or a man with a wife, kids and a sensible job? You seem to have a few hang-ups about british folks. I'll tell you this. If you did purposely break CDs in order to send them to England, just to annoy us, that would be kind of cool. I'd respect you for that. I don't know who Jimmy Hoffa is. I don't know how much make-up the Queen wears, but she's not as good looking as she used to be. She was never quite hot, but she wasn't bad looking.

I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not really a fag. You're really hung up on the word bloke. It would be a bit like me saying that all american men call their friends "guys" - isn't that a bit like "gays". Are you actually homophobic? Do you think that all gay people should be put to death or something. I'm not gay myself, but I don't see a problem with someone's sexual orientation - whatever it may be. When I called you a cocksucker, I meant it as a general insult, rather than literally. Women suck men's penises sometimes, and you know what, it's pretty good when they do. I wouldn't call a woman a cocksucker, just because she sucked a cock. If, however, she were to accuse me of lying when I politely tried to engage in discussion with her about damaged ebay goods, then I might call her one then. No matter.

So, what do you do for a living? Are you an internet millionaire?

It's great to be in touch with someone so different to myself. Did you look at my website? Did you like my beard? I grew it myself.

Catch you later.

Ash

There really should be a denouement to this story. I reckon that somewhere in the deep south of America there is a confused ebay auctioneer trying to work out who the hell I am and what I wanted. I wanted $6 worth. I think I got it. I still feel I've been accused of having a go at swindling this imbecile, which makes me want to do something to show him I was telling the truth and make him feel guilty. I also feel like he's an ignorant pillock who probably knows nothing of the marvellous country in which I live. I like England. Given that I'm a touring stand-up comedian, I could probably kill two birds with one stone. I could send him a series of photographs of cities of the United Kingdom, all of which have a broken "Titanic : A New Musical" CD in the frame. This would prove my truthfulness and also educate the man about the world.

Feel free to email Rob and call him a cocksucker. Deep down, I think he likes it.