A definitive source for parenting tips for benefit-funded families

Listen all you charver-people! I know that parenthood is not an easy thing. I know that there's no education to tell you how to be the perfect parent. And, even if there were, I know you would have missed it, since you could not attend school as a child, owing to the fact that you were too busy filling shopping centres, learning to smoke, and getting yourselves pregnant, which is why you need the parenting tips herein.

If this were the eighties, you would be branded money-grabbing single-parents and would not be given the sort of practical advice you need. However, this is the enlightened age of the new millennium and we now know that only 90% of you are gymslip- or single-mums. So, these tips are also aimed at the minority who have the help of your husband/live-in-lover/local scally/personal violence dispenser/kid from next door.

I have researched this advice in great detail. I have noted the behaviour of others like you and have collated my observations. Obviously, I have not wanted to interview or communicate with my subjects in any way, since being called a "fat-radjie-cunt" and being spat at is not one of my hobbies. Luckily, the examples of behaviour I've seen in shopping centres, city streets, buses, and the things I've heard over my garden fence are conclusive enough for me to dispense this information with confidence.

This article is dedicated to the two things you need to know as a charver-parent. Where is the money coming from? and how do you control your children?

Finance

First things first. What are you doing on the internet? How can you possibly afford a computer? Or an internet connection? Or are you getting the internet through the games console or something? Well, either way, good work! You've definitely passed the first test.

You must not let the financial drains of life get in the way of your responsibility to provide your family and yourself with expensive entertainment equipment. The following equipment is essential:

• Widescreen TV
• Satellite or Cable (preferably both)
• Stereo system - the louder the better - you must be able to ensure that your neighbours get a chance to listen to the music you're playing.
• Games consoles - or baby sitters - this equipment will keep the children, and partners, busy for hours.

You will find people trying to force you to buy other products. Be aware that the money you receive from the benefits people is only a limited resource. The following items can be very expensive and get used up very quickly:

• Nappies
• Food - except convenience food and fast food
• Health-care - medicines etc - except that which can be sold on
• Hygiene - why clean a child? he will only get dirty again!

Taming

The biggest problem for you will be keeping control of the little scuz-ball you have spawned. This mewling, screaming brat will, one day, repeatedly abuse you, steal from you and make your life, and that of others, a living hell. Obviously, you cannot change this outcome, but you can, at least, do your bit to give the child a perfunctory upbringing, as is befitting your needs as its parent. Taming the screaming brat in its buggy is of primary importance, lest it disturbs your idyllic lifestyle.

A lot of a child's poor behaviour can be attributed to a lack of gluten. Apparently, gluten can calm the child - it works on the nervous system. In addition, to oil any squeak in the child's vocal chords, causing  the noise it makes, pure animal fat can be very effective. So, the ultimate weapon in calming the kid with a tantrum is a pasty or sausage roll. One of these can last an 18 month old child in excess of an hour and you will have all the peace you need. Obviously, these can make a mess, so be sure you keep the bag to wipe the kid off with.

A child with a tantrum is a child that is attempting to get your attention. This is a battle of wits. Remember, you're at least 12 years the kid's senior and you know much more than they do about how to win an argument. So, use this accrued experience and your superior lungs. Shout the kid down. Swear at it. Show it who is more aggressive and selfish, and who knows the most swear words - the tables will eventually turn, so do it while you can.

How do you get rid of pests? Well, Rentokil sometimes use fumigation. So, what are you waiting for? You've got fags right? Smoke the pest out. Simply blowing clouds of your cigarette smoke in the child's direction will soon relax it. Plus, why not get the extra benefit of using your buggy as a huge mobile ashtray... I assume this is a benefit since so many of you seem to do it.

And finally, if the child won't be tamed, or you cannot be bothered with controlling it, then remember that a problem you don't notice is not a problem. Simply administer plenty of alcohol to yourself and those adults around you. Charver-children are most resilient and will bring themselves up if necessary. 

Final thought.

Children can raise other children... after all, that's what you're doing. Even if you're not technically a child yourself any more (and I know that sometimes this is the case), you will have ensured, by following the advice above, that you keep that youthfulness (or childishness) which epitomises people like you. So, what are you waiting for? Get down that chip-shop and start being a proper parent.

06 May 2002
Ashley Frieze