Taped to the windscreen

I suffer from more than just road rage. I also suffer from a general sense of indignation at other motorists' behaviour, parking, car maintenance - indeed anything I can criticise. I have always wanted to put notes under people's windscreen wipers to indicate what I think of them. To streamline this idea, I have devised the following form, which I could fill out as required on a case by case basis:

Relevant comments are circled

Dear (Sir/Madame/You fool/You bastard),

I would like to draw the following to your attention:

Parking

You are parked:

Ok (please skip to "Driving")
Illegally
Foolishly
So badly that I'd like to award you with the "crap parking of the year award"
Blocking the pavement
Obstructing traffic
In my way
Not so much parked as abandoned

Driving

You were driving:

Ok (please skip to "Car Condition")
Too fast
Too slow
Like a woman
Like an old man
Like a maniac
Like a maniac on PCP
In my way
On the wrong side of the road
Like the Knight Rider
Like the General Lee in Dukes of Hazzard over those speed bumps (yee-hah!)

Car Condition

Your car's condition is:

Fine
Your engine sounds like a kitten/lion/lawnmower/bomb/bad dose of flu
You have flat tyres (OS-F/OS-R/NS-F/NS-R)
You left your lights on (your battery is low/flat/fucked)
You have mirrors missing (OS/NS)
There are scratches on your paintwork
I vandalised your car
Your windscreen wipers are missing/crap/in the exhaust pipe
Your exhaust is silent/puffing/blowing/roaring/exploding (___ megatons)
Your petrol is low/depleted/now in my car/laced of sugar/diesel

I hope you will take these points on board in future.
Yours,

A friend/your enemy